How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
