He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I licked your asshole in confidence.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
