Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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