Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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