On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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