Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
