my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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