Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You ruined the universe
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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