grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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