im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
