my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
