I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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