I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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