I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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