Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
is that a dick in a sweater?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
