so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
