im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
3 2 1 whiskey
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
