Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
