I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
