my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
