I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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