Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
