So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
