In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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