Your tits are I can't wait for
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
