Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
