if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize