just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think your dad took our porno
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Randomize
