just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she woke up with a sticky ear
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
