A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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