I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
