you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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