I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
