i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
