Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have demons in me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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