God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think my moral compass just broke
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