he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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