soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
