And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
