It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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