So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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