I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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