Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
