Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
