I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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