A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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