the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
