So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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