in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
