There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
