Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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