if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
honey bunches of taint.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
