So drunk its hurt
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
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