nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i've created a new STD.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
