I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Someone came in the potted fern
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
