and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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