Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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