We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
