Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
