I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
